I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
