I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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