I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
