I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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