I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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