We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
