I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
