I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is Oprah even human
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
