I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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