woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
