nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
