If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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