The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
false alarm, still single
Randomize
