Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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