At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
