....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't deserve a penis
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
