I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
