I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
