dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
