Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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