It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
