seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
soo... how was my night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
