turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
