the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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