I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
