i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
