if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
