i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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