Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I still have a little drunk in my system
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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