his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
