Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
