She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
