non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
