WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
