My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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