and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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