i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
