And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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