i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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