yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
