He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
