i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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