The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
