It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
