Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
