You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I want a musical about memes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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