I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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