So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
