They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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