My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
