I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
