Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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