How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
