I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
