Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
